Ugh


          Man.. This training is so stressful... It is taking up so much of my day to day life. i really have been giving it my all. i mean my everything.. Emotionally and physically. It is sucking the life out of me. Apparently, i got some what of a tongue thrashing from Master this morning. i'm not going to go into detail but there was some confusion to "rules and regulation". Then He told me that lately i was being lax and careless, that a couple days out the month i always get this attitude. And this conversation happened on my way to work. i tried not to think about it, but it was really bugging the hell out of me because i was already stresses out to the max because of work. ii tried to hold it together but later on that day, i ended up breaking down and a few people noticed. i hate for people to see me that way but in a way i didn't care because... i was just under so much stress. i am giving everything i have everyday. i am so tired mentally and physically. Sometimes the last thing you need to hear is negative shit when negative is surrounding you. But at least i got through the day. Sometimes i feel better when i'm alone, when i just talk to myself in my mind... Mostly because i think i am the only one that an understand me the best.

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Adventure time

         i'm writing this.. About a week later. Soooo much has happened in this past week. i have been wanting to blog for a while but time has not been on my side. So, ima do a quick recap and try to make this as .... Brief as possible..

         Sooooo last Tuesday night when i got off work at about 11 pm, i went to see Master. I wanted to spend a little time with Him because i won't really be able to see Him until towards the end of the year because of a schedule change. i get there and W/we drove to one of O/our "spots". W/we were chillin in the car listening to music, talking and catching up. He rubbed and massaged me a little and of course one thing always leads to another... *blush*. So fast forward to two and a half hours later. i'm ready to make the hour drive back home and go to start my car. 
i turn the key....
Nothing.
i turn the key again...
Nothing.
So i'm like oh boy.. That battery is dead-- Fuck!! So W/we walk to a hospital that was the next block up and asked security to give U/us a jump. Jumper cable contected to both cars, i turn the key...
Nothing.
The security officer revs his engine a little to give an extra jolt of power and i turn the key again.
Nothing.
Then for some strange reason, my car battery gets weaker and weaker with every attempt to start it. So the security officer tells me ima need a new battery. Fuck! Luckily, i had $100 in my pocket but shit, that's all i have to my name though :( ugh! So Master and i are "stranded" well, not so much Him but me. W/we sit back in my car and just brainstorm until W/we fall asleep, which was so uncomfortable. But W/we were so mentally tired W/we ain't even care. So W/we wake up a few hours later and hop on the bus to buy the battery, get it, and attempt to take the bus back so we won't have to walk back 50 block carrying it by hand but nope.... Bus driver says W/we can't get on the bs wit it. Master carrys it back for me.. Half an hour walk.. Took U/us almost two hours to get it in. When W/we finally do.. i turn the key... Engine cranks and then..
Nothing.
At this point i'm like "oh fuck no bitch. You gonna fuckin start!!!" i take they key out and try again. Engine cranks but won't turn over. So i call my coworker and he meets up with me to see if its something he could fix but nope, he can't. Its gonna take some new parts and a mechanic.
FML.
So i call my father, he looks at it, and says i need a mechanic. To make a long story short, my car stayed over night and the next day i had it towed and repaired. i have it back now and yea its working lol. i know this story may seem...weird to say the least, especially with me leaving out some details but it just goes to show how much random fun Master and I have. I mean yea my car broke down and everything but at the same time W/we were with each other the entire time enjoying each others company. That whole situation was bittersweet. i mean, i was mad and blown and all that but W/we were play fighting, being mechanics, people watching, enjoying the rain, getting dirty, did some commanding... W/we even found this cool ass vegetarian restaurant with sum good ass chick-un (inside joke). For real, for real W/we just made the best out of the cards W/we were dealt and had fun :) Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

*shrug*


Its been awhile. Been going through .... And still am going through some life changing situations that i really can't get into detail about. i decided to blog because i feel like i really don't have anyone to talk to. In my situation now, i feel like my mental and physical states are being tested very harshly. i believe that under the circumstances, i am doing well but sometimes it can get a little unbearable. For example, i was kind of on the verge of breaking down today but i managed kept it together. i just went back to the book i read on Tantra and kept reminding myself to remain positive. Its very hard, but taking everything day by day instead of worrying about a whole week that is to come is much more bearable. i recognize that my emotions will be tested but its important that i understand how i can control them, turn them on and off as i please. A lot of times i need to vent but really ain't have anyone to talk to, so i just kinda... Discuss it with myself and hope to solve my own problems. i guess i'm in the process of breaking down so i can rebuild a stronger me. It won't be easy but i'm all for it if it makes me a better person.. Until next time....

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Written 4/21/11




         I am trying so hard not to loose my mind right now. I have a 6 month intensive training coming up for my job that I'm neither physically or mentally prepared for. I have to put up with the demands that Master still reminds me that I still have to keep up with and maintain. I have my son, who rarely sees me because I'm at work all the time. He is in 2nd grade and is falling behind because no one I live with is concerned enough to help him with homework. I am dealing with my family and the bullshit I have to go through just for them to watch my son while I'm at work. At this point I just feel like saying fuck everybody. I'm tired. Tired of trying to make it seem like shit don't phase me. Like shit doesn't affect me. Every time I get over one hurdle there is another one waiting for me. Giving up is not an option, but staying strong is draining me. Ultimately I am alone because only I have the power to do anything in these situations. Shit is gonna have to start with me getting my living situation together. The space, alone time, growing time, meditation time... I can't do that in this environment. Financially, there will be a HUGE sacrifice to be made. Unfortunately, I am not one of the lucky bitches that ends up with the rich ass boyfriend/husband. But at this point, a new living situation is the beginning of obtaining peace of mind. I can't take another year of this. All I am doing now is taking shit day by day, not worrying about tomorrow because I don't have the strength.




*sigh*


I wonder when things will get better....
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®