Wow... has it been this long? Jeez... I actually don’t even know where to begin. Life is pretty much the same and has not changed for the most part... did a bit of upgrading in some areas. Still working on trying to get a better job but I'm not going to complain too much... *awkward pause*... So ummm yea... the only.. Well not the only.. But the main reason I’m writing right now is because I'm a loser and I don’t have any friends to talk to so I’m using this as my diary. LOL is that lame or what?? sheesh!! No, really I’m having a hard time trying to process recent events in my life. I’m not going to go into specific detail but... Damn I feel bad. I never thought that someone I loved so much could betray me and hurt me the way they did. I am still at lost for words.. Man I wish I could tell you.... *sigh* I really don’t know what direction to move in. I feel lost and alone but then I been feeling that way for a while now. Am I losing by moving on or losing by staying? How many second chances should you give someone that hurts you? Does love really conquer all? or does common sense step in an put a stop to the bullshit? Every time I try to move on from the negative, flashbacks haunt me. I don’t know... I really don’t know.... For some reason I can't even put into words everything I need to say beacuse there really are no words, just feelings that you would have to feel to understand.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Till the end of time
Jack and Rose... Undying, devoted love till the very end.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
Hello again
Its been such a long time. I don't even know where to start. From my last entry to now things have been very tough. I've lost my will to do a lot of things. At this point, I can't say that I'm happy. I'm trying to stay optimistic but life is hard (like it ain't for everyone). I don't know. I guess I will write more later. For the life ofme I could not get used to the new Blogger setup so I just left it alone. I think I got it now....
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Ugh
Man.. This training is so stressful... It is taking up so much of my day to day life. i really have been giving it my all. i mean my everything.. Emotionally and physically. It is sucking the life out of me. Apparently, i got some what of a tongue thrashing from Master this morning. i'm not going to go into detail but there was some confusion to "rules and regulation". Then He told me that lately i was being lax and careless, that a couple days out the month i always get this attitude. And this conversation happened on my way to work. i tried not to think about it, but it was really bugging the hell out of me because i was already stresses out to the max because of work. ii tried to hold it together but later on that day, i ended up breaking down and a few people noticed. i hate for people to see me that way but in a way i didn't care because... i was just under so much stress. i am giving everything i have everyday. i am so tired mentally and physically. Sometimes the last thing you need to hear is negative shit when negative is surrounding you. But at least i got through the day. Sometimes i feel better when i'm alone, when i just talk to myself in my mind... Mostly because i think i am the only one that an understand me the best.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
Man.. This training is so stressful... It is taking up so much of my day to day life. i really have been giving it my all. i mean my everything.. Emotionally and physically. It is sucking the life out of me. Apparently, i got some what of a tongue thrashing from Master this morning. i'm not going to go into detail but there was some confusion to "rules and regulation". Then He told me that lately i was being lax and careless, that a couple days out the month i always get this attitude. And this conversation happened on my way to work. i tried not to think about it, but it was really bugging the hell out of me because i was already stresses out to the max because of work. ii tried to hold it together but later on that day, i ended up breaking down and a few people noticed. i hate for people to see me that way but in a way i didn't care because... i was just under so much stress. i am giving everything i have everyday. i am so tired mentally and physically. Sometimes the last thing you need to hear is negative shit when negative is surrounding you. But at least i got through the day. Sometimes i feel better when i'm alone, when i just talk to myself in my mind... Mostly because i think i am the only one that an understand me the best.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
Adventure time
i'm writing this.. About a week later. Soooo much has happened in this past week. i have been wanting to blog for a while but time has not been on my side. So, ima do a quick recap and try to make this as .... Brief as possible..
Sooooo last Tuesday night when i got off work at about 11 pm, i went to see Master. I wanted to spend a little time with Him because i won't really be able to see Him until towards the end of the year because of a schedule change. i get there and W/we drove to one of O/our "spots". W/we were chillin in the car listening to music, talking and catching up. He rubbed and massaged me a little and of course one thing always leads to another... *blush*. So fast forward to two and a half hours later. i'm ready to make the hour drive back home and go to start my car.
i turn the key....
Nothing.
i turn the key again...
Nothing.
So i'm like oh boy.. That battery is dead-- Fuck!! So W/we walk to a hospital that was the next block up and asked security to give U/us a jump. Jumper cable contected to both cars, i turn the key...
Nothing.
The security officer revs his engine a little to give an extra jolt of power and i turn the key again.
Nothing.
Then for some strange reason, my car battery gets weaker and weaker with every attempt to start it. So the security officer tells me ima need a new battery. Fuck! Luckily, i had $100 in my pocket but shit, that's all i have to my name though :( ugh! So Master and i are "stranded" well, not so much Him but me. W/we sit back in my car and just brainstorm until W/we fall asleep, which was so uncomfortable. But W/we were so mentally tired W/we ain't even care. So W/we wake up a few hours later and hop on the bus to buy the battery, get it, and attempt to take the bus back so we won't have to walk back 50 block carrying it by hand but nope.... Bus driver says W/we can't get on the bs wit it. Master carrys it back for me.. Half an hour walk.. Took U/us almost two hours to get it in. When W/we finally do.. i turn the key... Engine cranks and then..
Nothing.
At this point i'm like "oh fuck no bitch. You gonna fuckin start!!!" i take they key out and try again. Engine cranks but won't turn over. So i call my coworker and he meets up with me to see if its something he could fix but nope, he can't. Its gonna take some new parts and a mechanic.
FML.
So i call my father, he looks at it, and says i need a mechanic. To make a long story short, my car stayed over night and the next day i had it towed and repaired. i have it back now and yea its working lol. i know this story may seem...weird to say the least, especially with me leaving out some details but it just goes to show how much random fun Master and I have. I mean yea my car broke down and everything but at the same time W/we were with each other the entire time enjoying each others company. That whole situation was bittersweet. i mean, i was mad and blown and all that but W/we were play fighting, being mechanics, people watching, enjoying the rain, getting dirty, did some commanding... W/we even found this cool ass vegetarian restaurant with sum good ass chick-un (inside joke). For real, for real W/we just made the best out of the cards W/we were dealt and had fun :) Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
Sooooo last Tuesday night when i got off work at about 11 pm, i went to see Master. I wanted to spend a little time with Him because i won't really be able to see Him until towards the end of the year because of a schedule change. i get there and W/we drove to one of O/our "spots". W/we were chillin in the car listening to music, talking and catching up. He rubbed and massaged me a little and of course one thing always leads to another... *blush*. So fast forward to two and a half hours later. i'm ready to make the hour drive back home and go to start my car.
i turn the key....
Nothing.
i turn the key again...
Nothing.
So i'm like oh boy.. That battery is dead-- Fuck!! So W/we walk to a hospital that was the next block up and asked security to give U/us a jump. Jumper cable contected to both cars, i turn the key...
Nothing.
The security officer revs his engine a little to give an extra jolt of power and i turn the key again.
Nothing.
Then for some strange reason, my car battery gets weaker and weaker with every attempt to start it. So the security officer tells me ima need a new battery. Fuck! Luckily, i had $100 in my pocket but shit, that's all i have to my name though :( ugh! So Master and i are "stranded" well, not so much Him but me. W/we sit back in my car and just brainstorm until W/we fall asleep, which was so uncomfortable. But W/we were so mentally tired W/we ain't even care. So W/we wake up a few hours later and hop on the bus to buy the battery, get it, and attempt to take the bus back so we won't have to walk back 50 block carrying it by hand but nope.... Bus driver says W/we can't get on the bs wit it. Master carrys it back for me.. Half an hour walk.. Took U/us almost two hours to get it in. When W/we finally do.. i turn the key... Engine cranks and then..
Nothing.
At this point i'm like "oh fuck no bitch. You gonna fuckin start!!!" i take they key out and try again. Engine cranks but won't turn over. So i call my coworker and he meets up with me to see if its something he could fix but nope, he can't. Its gonna take some new parts and a mechanic.
FML.
So i call my father, he looks at it, and says i need a mechanic. To make a long story short, my car stayed over night and the next day i had it towed and repaired. i have it back now and yea its working lol. i know this story may seem...weird to say the least, especially with me leaving out some details but it just goes to show how much random fun Master and I have. I mean yea my car broke down and everything but at the same time W/we were with each other the entire time enjoying each others company. That whole situation was bittersweet. i mean, i was mad and blown and all that but W/we were play fighting, being mechanics, people watching, enjoying the rain, getting dirty, did some commanding... W/we even found this cool ass vegetarian restaurant with sum good ass chick-un (inside joke). For real, for real W/we just made the best out of the cards W/we were dealt and had fun :) Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
*shrug*
Its been awhile. Been going through .... And still am going through some life changing situations that i really can't get into detail about. i decided to blog because i feel like i really don't have anyone to talk to. In my situation now, i feel like my mental and physical states are being tested very harshly. i believe that under the circumstances, i am doing well but sometimes it can get a little unbearable. For example, i was kind of on the verge of breaking down today but i managed kept it together. i just went back to the book i read on Tantra and kept reminding myself to remain positive. Its very hard, but taking everything day by day instead of worrying about a whole week that is to come is much more bearable. i recognize that my emotions will be tested but its important that i understand how i can control them, turn them on and off as i please. A lot of times i need to vent but really ain't have anyone to talk to, so i just kinda... Discuss it with myself and hope to solve my own problems. i guess i'm in the process of breaking down so i can rebuild a stronger me. It won't be easy but i'm all for it if it makes me a better person.. Until next time....
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
Its been awhile. Been going through .... And still am going through some life changing situations that i really can't get into detail about. i decided to blog because i feel like i really don't have anyone to talk to. In my situation now, i feel like my mental and physical states are being tested very harshly. i believe that under the circumstances, i am doing well but sometimes it can get a little unbearable. For example, i was kind of on the verge of breaking down today but i managed kept it together. i just went back to the book i read on Tantra and kept reminding myself to remain positive. Its very hard, but taking everything day by day instead of worrying about a whole week that is to come is much more bearable. i recognize that my emotions will be tested but its important that i understand how i can control them, turn them on and off as i please. A lot of times i need to vent but really ain't have anyone to talk to, so i just kinda... Discuss it with myself and hope to solve my own problems. i guess i'm in the process of breaking down so i can rebuild a stronger me. It won't be easy but i'm all for it if it makes me a better person.. Until next time....
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
Written 4/21/11
I am trying so hard not to loose my mind right now. I have a 6 month intensive training coming up for my job that I'm neither physically or mentally prepared for. I have to put up with the demands that Master still reminds me that I still have to keep up with and maintain. I have my son, who rarely sees me because I'm at work all the time. He is in 2nd grade and is falling behind because no one I live with is concerned enough to help him with homework. I am dealing with my family and the bullshit I have to go through just for them to watch my son while I'm at work. At this point I just feel like saying fuck everybody. I'm tired. Tired of trying to make it seem like shit don't phase me. Like shit doesn't affect me. Every time I get over one hurdle there is another one waiting for me. Giving up is not an option, but staying strong is draining me. Ultimately I am alone because only I have the power to do anything in these situations. Shit is gonna have to start with me getting my living situation together. The space, alone time, growing time, meditation time... I can't do that in this environment. Financially, there will be a HUGE sacrifice to be made. Unfortunately, I am not one of the lucky bitches that ends up with the rich ass boyfriend/husband. But at this point, a new living situation is the beginning of obtaining peace of mind. I can't take another year of this. All I am doing now is taking shit day by day, not worrying about tomorrow because I don't have the strength.
*sigh*
I wonder when things will get better....
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
I am trying so hard not to loose my mind right now. I have a 6 month intensive training coming up for my job that I'm neither physically or mentally prepared for. I have to put up with the demands that Master still reminds me that I still have to keep up with and maintain. I have my son, who rarely sees me because I'm at work all the time. He is in 2nd grade and is falling behind because no one I live with is concerned enough to help him with homework. I am dealing with my family and the bullshit I have to go through just for them to watch my son while I'm at work. At this point I just feel like saying fuck everybody. I'm tired. Tired of trying to make it seem like shit don't phase me. Like shit doesn't affect me. Every time I get over one hurdle there is another one waiting for me. Giving up is not an option, but staying strong is draining me. Ultimately I am alone because only I have the power to do anything in these situations. Shit is gonna have to start with me getting my living situation together. The space, alone time, growing time, meditation time... I can't do that in this environment. Financially, there will be a HUGE sacrifice to be made. Unfortunately, I am not one of the lucky bitches that ends up with the rich ass boyfriend/husband. But at this point, a new living situation is the beginning of obtaining peace of mind. I can't take another year of this. All I am doing now is taking shit day by day, not worrying about tomorrow because I don't have the strength.
*sigh*
I wonder when things will get better....
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
Monday, March 28, 2011
I hate this
I hate this feeling. Right now, i feel so stupid and foolish. Mostly because i feel dumb for making bad decisions. I feel mad because there is always an obstacle blocking me fom positivity. There is always some type of bullshit happening that just happens at the wrong time. This is a time where i wish i wasn't me.. i am somewhat ashamed to be myself. I know that this is backtracking. Master always reminds me i am on the path to become a goddess of sorts, to be one with the universe. but im not feeling any of that right now. I feel worthless. I don't feel like i live up to what people think i am. People always tell me im a good mom but i don't believe it. i don't think im all that great at all. People always think im doing so well career wise when in reality im am trying to survive living paycheck to paycheck. For the past few years, i just have felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. The are days when i don't want to wake up. I feel like my set backs are overcoming me and i am losing what little passion i have left for life. im not saying i want to die, but besides my son i don't really know what im living for. i know that somebody "out there" has it worse than me. I am counting my blessings but at the same time im not happy with my life. im only 27 yet i feel double my age. I'm pale and have circles under my eyes. Even the texture of my hair is changing. i remember months ago i would always get compliments on how black, shiny and healthy it looks. now i just... pull it back into a pony tail or two french braids to hide how dull and brittle it is. I'm tired of crying and I'm tired of pretending to be strong. i hate looking back at my past because it makes me hate myself even more. i wish i never had my son, but only because i wanted to have the perfect family for my children. I wanted myself and my husband to have a life together and enjoy it first before having children. i could have had a good career by now, making money because i could have had my Masters degree by 23..... i just feel like such a big disappointment to my family and myself.....
i don't wanna talk about this nemore.
i don't wanna talk about this nemore.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Le Sigh
It has been awhile, yes i know. i have been going through alot with work, personal life, and the relationship between myself and my Master. Work has been work really. Home life has been up and down. Personal life... well... honestly, i have not been doing my best. i have been so over burdened with work and home that i have been neglecting the requests that my Master makes. Some days i just don't give a fuck about anything. Some days i just want to cry because i feel so empty but other days i feel really good and confident. i feel that my emotions are getting the best of me. The are alot stronger for some reason and im alot more sensitive overall.
Master bbm'd me something last night that just really made me feel low and somewhat worthless. He basically said that i always say that i would do better,, but i never show him that i can be better. He also said that i always change subjects when talking about something i am not comfortable with. Sad but true i guess. i guess change wont really come until i believe in myself that i can evolve into a better me. He believes that deep down inside of my very being, that i am a goddess. He always believes in me and he tells me this all the time. But no matter what he says, will have to believe in myself, believe that i am capable of becoming a better individual. Its sounds easy but i battle with low self esteem, self worth, and poor self image. Master does give me all the tools i need to become better and recognize that i am worth so much m ore than i think that i am. The Tantra book He loaned me helps because it has alot of positive affirmations that i can repeat every day. Its kinda hard that W/we dontlive together. i feel that life would be alot easier if he were physically here to guide me. Phone convo is good but.... its not really enough. But W/we have to do what W/we hav to do for now until things get to where they need to be.
i just cant wait until i can see myself the way Master sees me... a powerful Queen.
Master bbm'd me something last night that just really made me feel low and somewhat worthless. He basically said that i always say that i would do better,, but i never show him that i can be better. He also said that i always change subjects when talking about something i am not comfortable with. Sad but true i guess. i guess change wont really come until i believe in myself that i can evolve into a better me. He believes that deep down inside of my very being, that i am a goddess. He always believes in me and he tells me this all the time. But no matter what he says, will have to believe in myself, believe that i am capable of becoming a better individual. Its sounds easy but i battle with low self esteem, self worth, and poor self image. Master does give me all the tools i need to become better and recognize that i am worth so much m ore than i think that i am. The Tantra book He loaned me helps because it has alot of positive affirmations that i can repeat every day. Its kinda hard that W/we dontlive together. i feel that life would be alot easier if he were physically here to guide me. Phone convo is good but.... its not really enough. But W/we have to do what W/we hav to do for now until things get to where they need to be.
i just cant wait until i can see myself the way Master sees me... a powerful Queen.
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