Written 4/21/11




         I am trying so hard not to loose my mind right now. I have a 6 month intensive training coming up for my job that I'm neither physically or mentally prepared for. I have to put up with the demands that Master still reminds me that I still have to keep up with and maintain. I have my son, who rarely sees me because I'm at work all the time. He is in 2nd grade and is falling behind because no one I live with is concerned enough to help him with homework. I am dealing with my family and the bullshit I have to go through just for them to watch my son while I'm at work. At this point I just feel like saying fuck everybody. I'm tired. Tired of trying to make it seem like shit don't phase me. Like shit doesn't affect me. Every time I get over one hurdle there is another one waiting for me. Giving up is not an option, but staying strong is draining me. Ultimately I am alone because only I have the power to do anything in these situations. Shit is gonna have to start with me getting my living situation together. The space, alone time, growing time, meditation time... I can't do that in this environment. Financially, there will be a HUGE sacrifice to be made. Unfortunately, I am not one of the lucky bitches that ends up with the rich ass boyfriend/husband. But at this point, a new living situation is the beginning of obtaining peace of mind. I can't take another year of this. All I am doing now is taking shit day by day, not worrying about tomorrow because I don't have the strength.




*sigh*


I wonder when things will get better....
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