I hate this

          I hate this feeling. Right now, i feel so stupid and foolish. Mostly because i feel dumb for making bad decisions. I feel mad because there is always an obstacle blocking me fom positivity. There is always some type of bullshit happening that just happens at the wrong time. This is a time where i wish i wasn't me.. i am somewhat ashamed to be myself. I know that this is backtracking. Master always reminds me i am on the path to become a goddess of sorts, to be one with the universe. but im not feeling any of that right now. I feel worthless. I don't feel like i live up to what people think i am. People always tell me im a good mom but i don't believe it. i don't think im all that great at all. People always think im doing so well career wise when in reality im am trying to survive living paycheck to paycheck. For the past few years, i just have felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. The are days when i don't want to wake up. I feel like my set backs are overcoming me and i am losing what little passion i have left for life. im not saying i want to die, but besides my son i don't really know what im living for. i know that somebody "out there" has it worse than me. I am counting my blessings but at the same time im not happy with my life. im only 27 yet i feel double my age. I'm pale and have circles under my eyes. Even the texture of my hair is changing. i remember months ago i would always get compliments on how black, shiny and healthy it looks. now i just... pull it back into a pony tail or two french braids to hide how dull and brittle it is. I'm tired of crying and I'm tired of pretending to be strong. i hate looking back at my past because it makes me hate myself even more. i wish i never had my son, but only because i wanted to have the perfect family for my children. I wanted myself and my husband to have a life together and enjoy it first before having children. i could have had a good career by now, making money because i could have had my Masters degree by 23..... i just feel like such a big disappointment to my family and myself.....

i don't wanna talk about this nemore.

Le Sigh

 It has been awhile, yes i know. i have been going through alot with work, personal life, and the relationship between myself and my Master. Work has been work really. Home life has been up and down. Personal life... well... honestly, i have not been doing my best. i have been so over burdened with work and home that i have been neglecting the requests that my Master makes. Some days i just don't give a fuck about anything. Some days i just want to cry because i feel so empty but other days i feel really good and confident. i feel that my emotions are getting the best of me. The are alot stronger for some reason and im alot more sensitive overall.
      
      Master bbm'd me something last night that just really made me feel low and somewhat worthless. He basically said that i always say that i would do better,, but i never show him that i can be better. He also said that i always change subjects when talking about something i am not comfortable with. Sad but true i guess. i guess change wont really come until i believe in myself that i can evolve into a better me. He believes that deep down inside of my very being, that i am a goddess. He always believes in me and he tells me this all the time. But no matter what he says, will have to believe in myself, believe that i am capable of becoming a better individual. Its sounds easy but i battle with low self esteem, self worth, and poor self image. Master does give me all the tools i need to become better and recognize that i am worth so much m ore than i think that i am. The Tantra book He loaned me helps because it has alot of positive affirmations that i can repeat every day. Its kinda hard that W/we dontlive together. i feel that life would be alot easier if he were physically here to guide me. Phone convo is good but.... its not really enough. But W/we have to do what W/we hav to do for now until things get to where they need to be.

      i just cant wait until i can see myself the way Master sees me... a powerful Queen.

Real Deal

Master gave me an assignment i must complete. How He makes me feel. i really don't know where to begin... He makes me feel special, not in a "i like you cuz you nice" kind of way but He goes out of his way to prove this to me through His actions. He makes me feel like i am a queen, though i am his submissive, He treats me like a goddess. With U/us, there is no separation. W/we are one being. Our souls over time have mended together. i feel His pain, His joy, His anger... He feels me just the same. He covers my heart and mind with love. i'm so sad when i have to leave Him. i long for the day when W/we can be together always.


Every time He touches my body i feel his energy flow throughout my soul. His hands..so strong, so commanding... They have the power to destroy yet they are so gentle and inviting. So sensual. i imagine His hands leaving a trail of white hot energy after running his hands up and down my body.... Energy running from my feet to the top of my head. 


i am forever His.... through good and bad... Until death.

**** To be continued****

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Enough is not enough

(From February 9, 2010)

I'm sad again. These past few days have been hard. My moods have been up and down.. More up than down though I will admit. I had problems sleeping pretty much all last week. I would fall asleep as usual only to wake up 2 or 3 hours later. So I just watch tv until the sun comes up because that's usually when I fall asleep again.

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®