I hate this

          I hate this feeling. Right now, i feel so stupid and foolish. Mostly because i feel dumb for making bad decisions. I feel mad because there is always an obstacle blocking me fom positivity. There is always some type of bullshit happening that just happens at the wrong time. This is a time where i wish i wasn't me.. i am somewhat ashamed to be myself. I know that this is backtracking. Master always reminds me i am on the path to become a goddess of sorts, to be one with the universe. but im not feeling any of that right now. I feel worthless. I don't feel like i live up to what people think i am. People always tell me im a good mom but i don't believe it. i don't think im all that great at all. People always think im doing so well career wise when in reality im am trying to survive living paycheck to paycheck. For the past few years, i just have felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. The are days when i don't want to wake up. I feel like my set backs are overcoming me and i am losing what little passion i have left for life. im not saying i want to die, but besides my son i don't really know what im living for. i know that somebody "out there" has it worse than me. I am counting my blessings but at the same time im not happy with my life. im only 27 yet i feel double my age. I'm pale and have circles under my eyes. Even the texture of my hair is changing. i remember months ago i would always get compliments on how black, shiny and healthy it looks. now i just... pull it back into a pony tail or two french braids to hide how dull and brittle it is. I'm tired of crying and I'm tired of pretending to be strong. i hate looking back at my past because it makes me hate myself even more. i wish i never had my son, but only because i wanted to have the perfect family for my children. I wanted myself and my husband to have a life together and enjoy it first before having children. i could have had a good career by now, making money because i could have had my Masters degree by 23..... i just feel like such a big disappointment to my family and myself.....

i don't wanna talk about this nemore.