Ugh


          Man.. This training is so stressful... It is taking up so much of my day to day life. i really have been giving it my all. i mean my everything.. Emotionally and physically. It is sucking the life out of me. Apparently, i got some what of a tongue thrashing from Master this morning. i'm not going to go into detail but there was some confusion to "rules and regulation". Then He told me that lately i was being lax and careless, that a couple days out the month i always get this attitude. And this conversation happened on my way to work. i tried not to think about it, but it was really bugging the hell out of me because i was already stresses out to the max because of work. ii tried to hold it together but later on that day, i ended up breaking down and a few people noticed. i hate for people to see me that way but in a way i didn't care because... i was just under so much stress. i am giving everything i have everyday. i am so tired mentally and physically. Sometimes the last thing you need to hear is negative shit when negative is surrounding you. But at least i got through the day. Sometimes i feel better when i'm alone, when i just talk to myself in my mind... Mostly because i think i am the only one that an understand me the best.

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Adventure time

         i'm writing this.. About a week later. Soooo much has happened in this past week. i have been wanting to blog for a while but time has not been on my side. So, ima do a quick recap and try to make this as .... Brief as possible..

         Sooooo last Tuesday night when i got off work at about 11 pm, i went to see Master. I wanted to spend a little time with Him because i won't really be able to see Him until towards the end of the year because of a schedule change. i get there and W/we drove to one of O/our "spots". W/we were chillin in the car listening to music, talking and catching up. He rubbed and massaged me a little and of course one thing always leads to another... *blush*. So fast forward to two and a half hours later. i'm ready to make the hour drive back home and go to start my car. 
i turn the key....
Nothing.
i turn the key again...
Nothing.
So i'm like oh boy.. That battery is dead-- Fuck!! So W/we walk to a hospital that was the next block up and asked security to give U/us a jump. Jumper cable contected to both cars, i turn the key...
Nothing.
The security officer revs his engine a little to give an extra jolt of power and i turn the key again.
Nothing.
Then for some strange reason, my car battery gets weaker and weaker with every attempt to start it. So the security officer tells me ima need a new battery. Fuck! Luckily, i had $100 in my pocket but shit, that's all i have to my name though :( ugh! So Master and i are "stranded" well, not so much Him but me. W/we sit back in my car and just brainstorm until W/we fall asleep, which was so uncomfortable. But W/we were so mentally tired W/we ain't even care. So W/we wake up a few hours later and hop on the bus to buy the battery, get it, and attempt to take the bus back so we won't have to walk back 50 block carrying it by hand but nope.... Bus driver says W/we can't get on the bs wit it. Master carrys it back for me.. Half an hour walk.. Took U/us almost two hours to get it in. When W/we finally do.. i turn the key... Engine cranks and then..
Nothing.
At this point i'm like "oh fuck no bitch. You gonna fuckin start!!!" i take they key out and try again. Engine cranks but won't turn over. So i call my coworker and he meets up with me to see if its something he could fix but nope, he can't. Its gonna take some new parts and a mechanic.
FML.
So i call my father, he looks at it, and says i need a mechanic. To make a long story short, my car stayed over night and the next day i had it towed and repaired. i have it back now and yea its working lol. i know this story may seem...weird to say the least, especially with me leaving out some details but it just goes to show how much random fun Master and I have. I mean yea my car broke down and everything but at the same time W/we were with each other the entire time enjoying each others company. That whole situation was bittersweet. i mean, i was mad and blown and all that but W/we were play fighting, being mechanics, people watching, enjoying the rain, getting dirty, did some commanding... W/we even found this cool ass vegetarian restaurant with sum good ass chick-un (inside joke). For real, for real W/we just made the best out of the cards W/we were dealt and had fun :) Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

*shrug*


Its been awhile. Been going through .... And still am going through some life changing situations that i really can't get into detail about. i decided to blog because i feel like i really don't have anyone to talk to. In my situation now, i feel like my mental and physical states are being tested very harshly. i believe that under the circumstances, i am doing well but sometimes it can get a little unbearable. For example, i was kind of on the verge of breaking down today but i managed kept it together. i just went back to the book i read on Tantra and kept reminding myself to remain positive. Its very hard, but taking everything day by day instead of worrying about a whole week that is to come is much more bearable. i recognize that my emotions will be tested but its important that i understand how i can control them, turn them on and off as i please. A lot of times i need to vent but really ain't have anyone to talk to, so i just kinda... Discuss it with myself and hope to solve my own problems. i guess i'm in the process of breaking down so i can rebuild a stronger me. It won't be easy but i'm all for it if it makes me a better person.. Until next time....

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Written 4/21/11




         I am trying so hard not to loose my mind right now. I have a 6 month intensive training coming up for my job that I'm neither physically or mentally prepared for. I have to put up with the demands that Master still reminds me that I still have to keep up with and maintain. I have my son, who rarely sees me because I'm at work all the time. He is in 2nd grade and is falling behind because no one I live with is concerned enough to help him with homework. I am dealing with my family and the bullshit I have to go through just for them to watch my son while I'm at work. At this point I just feel like saying fuck everybody. I'm tired. Tired of trying to make it seem like shit don't phase me. Like shit doesn't affect me. Every time I get over one hurdle there is another one waiting for me. Giving up is not an option, but staying strong is draining me. Ultimately I am alone because only I have the power to do anything in these situations. Shit is gonna have to start with me getting my living situation together. The space, alone time, growing time, meditation time... I can't do that in this environment. Financially, there will be a HUGE sacrifice to be made. Unfortunately, I am not one of the lucky bitches that ends up with the rich ass boyfriend/husband. But at this point, a new living situation is the beginning of obtaining peace of mind. I can't take another year of this. All I am doing now is taking shit day by day, not worrying about tomorrow because I don't have the strength.




*sigh*


I wonder when things will get better....
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I hate this

          I hate this feeling. Right now, i feel so stupid and foolish. Mostly because i feel dumb for making bad decisions. I feel mad because there is always an obstacle blocking me fom positivity. There is always some type of bullshit happening that just happens at the wrong time. This is a time where i wish i wasn't me.. i am somewhat ashamed to be myself. I know that this is backtracking. Master always reminds me i am on the path to become a goddess of sorts, to be one with the universe. but im not feeling any of that right now. I feel worthless. I don't feel like i live up to what people think i am. People always tell me im a good mom but i don't believe it. i don't think im all that great at all. People always think im doing so well career wise when in reality im am trying to survive living paycheck to paycheck. For the past few years, i just have felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. The are days when i don't want to wake up. I feel like my set backs are overcoming me and i am losing what little passion i have left for life. im not saying i want to die, but besides my son i don't really know what im living for. i know that somebody "out there" has it worse than me. I am counting my blessings but at the same time im not happy with my life. im only 27 yet i feel double my age. I'm pale and have circles under my eyes. Even the texture of my hair is changing. i remember months ago i would always get compliments on how black, shiny and healthy it looks. now i just... pull it back into a pony tail or two french braids to hide how dull and brittle it is. I'm tired of crying and I'm tired of pretending to be strong. i hate looking back at my past because it makes me hate myself even more. i wish i never had my son, but only because i wanted to have the perfect family for my children. I wanted myself and my husband to have a life together and enjoy it first before having children. i could have had a good career by now, making money because i could have had my Masters degree by 23..... i just feel like such a big disappointment to my family and myself.....

i don't wanna talk about this nemore.

Le Sigh

 It has been awhile, yes i know. i have been going through alot with work, personal life, and the relationship between myself and my Master. Work has been work really. Home life has been up and down. Personal life... well... honestly, i have not been doing my best. i have been so over burdened with work and home that i have been neglecting the requests that my Master makes. Some days i just don't give a fuck about anything. Some days i just want to cry because i feel so empty but other days i feel really good and confident. i feel that my emotions are getting the best of me. The are alot stronger for some reason and im alot more sensitive overall.
      
      Master bbm'd me something last night that just really made me feel low and somewhat worthless. He basically said that i always say that i would do better,, but i never show him that i can be better. He also said that i always change subjects when talking about something i am not comfortable with. Sad but true i guess. i guess change wont really come until i believe in myself that i can evolve into a better me. He believes that deep down inside of my very being, that i am a goddess. He always believes in me and he tells me this all the time. But no matter what he says, will have to believe in myself, believe that i am capable of becoming a better individual. Its sounds easy but i battle with low self esteem, self worth, and poor self image. Master does give me all the tools i need to become better and recognize that i am worth so much m ore than i think that i am. The Tantra book He loaned me helps because it has alot of positive affirmations that i can repeat every day. Its kinda hard that W/we dontlive together. i feel that life would be alot easier if he were physically here to guide me. Phone convo is good but.... its not really enough. But W/we have to do what W/we hav to do for now until things get to where they need to be.

      i just cant wait until i can see myself the way Master sees me... a powerful Queen.

Real Deal

Master gave me an assignment i must complete. How He makes me feel. i really don't know where to begin... He makes me feel special, not in a "i like you cuz you nice" kind of way but He goes out of his way to prove this to me through His actions. He makes me feel like i am a queen, though i am his submissive, He treats me like a goddess. With U/us, there is no separation. W/we are one being. Our souls over time have mended together. i feel His pain, His joy, His anger... He feels me just the same. He covers my heart and mind with love. i'm so sad when i have to leave Him. i long for the day when W/we can be together always.


Every time He touches my body i feel his energy flow throughout my soul. His hands..so strong, so commanding... They have the power to destroy yet they are so gentle and inviting. So sensual. i imagine His hands leaving a trail of white hot energy after running his hands up and down my body.... Energy running from my feet to the top of my head. 


i am forever His.... through good and bad... Until death.

**** To be continued****

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Enough is not enough

(From February 9, 2010)

I'm sad again. These past few days have been hard. My moods have been up and down.. More up than down though I will admit. I had problems sleeping pretty much all last week. I would fall asleep as usual only to wake up 2 or 3 hours later. So I just watch tv until the sun comes up because that's usually when I fall asleep again.

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Random Rant...

         Hi!!! :D well im just so chipper today. You probably don't even want to hear me rant but ummmm.... ask me if i care! Had THE greatest time yesterday *blush*. i'll try to make this quick as possible...

         So i went to see Master yesterday. i left a little later than i wanted to but that was do to the fact that i had to run errands for my mom. When i got to His house, He hugged me and told me how beautiful i looked. i swear He always makes me feel so good about myself, always throwing some comments at me that make me blush. I wore leggings, black knee high boots, a grey and black leopard print shirt with a grey hat. I even wore a leopard print bra for Him, on account of thats among His favorite things to look at. i started braiding His hair, which by the way is growing in leaps and bounds. im pretty sure it took about an hour and a half but that could have been due to the fact that W/we were watching ummm.. Cross-Country Pimpin Pt. 4??? i think that's what it was. After an hour and a half of "nhamtalmbouts", "ya feel me's" "yaamzains" and "chuuuuurchs' ", W/we were off to The Cheesecake factory in Towson. Just wow. Service/Food was outstanding, except for the guy that opened the door to smoke bringing in all that gat damn cold air (we were seated right next to an exit door) it was good. My drinks made me wanna slap someone and both our waiters, Jontrell and "Touched by an angel" (we forgot his name... He was a ghey but he was soooooo sweet) were the most helpful people ever. Master enjoyed Himself and that is what's most important. W/we walked from the "premium" section of the mall were the Tiffany's, Louis Vuitton, and Crate and Barrel to the "common folk" side to go to Spencer's, which was boring.. they ain't have anything i liked. W/we left to go to our favorite chill bar/sushi spot, RA. i really don't want to talk about it but service sucked, drinks sucked... none of O/our favorite bartenders or waitresses were there... it was almost like it was a completely different spot. Made me wish we had stayed at The Cheesecake factory. I was very upset at that waste of money but Master told me to ignore it and He promised to make things up to me (Oh did He ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!). i had a "yeah right" face but as usual, He found a way to make me smile.

          W/we got back to the crib and wrestled around a bit... well alot. Its always fun when W/we spar and fuck each other up. He got the box (no pun intended) and told me to choose something to play with. Of course being the bitch that i am, i chose the leash. He commanded me to get on my knees and proceeded with our mini ritual for the placement of my collar around my neck. He bent me over the chair, made me poke my ass out, and spanked me with a belt until i used my safe word. i really wanted more mentally but my body couldn't take much more. He allowed me to lick, kiss, and suck on His neck, which i take pride in doing. i got on my knees at His command and sucked, licked, and kissed His Dick because He deserved it all. More touching, pulling, grabbing and i was commanded to get on the bed with my legs spread... *blush* im just gonna fast forward a few hours and let you know that a day later, my pussy is still throbbing. He is fuckin amazing. No one man should have all that power lol. Im not even over exaggerating right now. im really at loss for words. He was hittin places i never even knew i had. he was pulling my hair and whispering in my ear... wait..wait..

       im sorry... my flashbacks are so intense. im so lucky to be His property. W/we laid together for.. i don't even know how long just breathing together and engaging and maintaining O/our power exchange. Its awesome how W/we can initiate power exchange without even having sex. that is how strong O/our bond is. Its scary because its so good but even scarier ( in a good way ) because W/we are still growing and learning.. *sigh* give me a moment... Then i sat on His lap and he rubbed my clit until i squirted *faints*.

     ........ i have what bitches look for their whole lives... i wont let it slip away. Ever.

Gorean Lifestyle

            Gorean Lifestyle originates from author John Norman. His philosophy of this lifestyle was brought to life by way of the many books he wrote during his career. In short, Gorean Lifestyle did not necessarily is about the "natural order" of life, the way life was supposed to be. It is not about Master/slave relationships but more about the natural Dominance of males and natural submission for women. Gorean life today is promoted through mainstream media as a very serious and crucial life of a Master and a slave but its true meaning is not so.

         Gorean Lifestyle can be incorporated into BDsm. In my opinion, it would be the natural submission from a female to a male, but more Master/slave than Dominant/submissive. Gorean generally requires a 24/7, live in environment, not just sessions or every once in awhile. Both Gorean and BDsm cultures can share and exchange ideals but they are not to be confused with each other.
        

Square 1

         Hope this year is prosperous for you. i didn't get to bring my new year in with Master but it's ok because i did see him last night. i kinda suprised Him... Gave Him something sweet ;p.  Neway i usually don't make resolutions. But i will commit myself to being a better bitch. i am goin to learn to control my attitude and anger better. i will accept contructive critism better and realize people tell me what's right so i can be better and not because they like pointing out my faults. Awww .. My eyes r watering..there goes a tear. Don't ask y cuz i don't know. i'm ready to forget last years pain and push forward. Master is always there for me. Can't thank Him enough. So relentless and always sacrificing for me. i will try to express my gratitude better too.



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