Empty

         I feel useless. I went to see Master today. It could have been fun. But I always find a way to fuck shit up. That's my specialty.. Fuckin shit up. I did His hair, W/we say Megamind, which was awesome by the way. I'm not really gonna go into detail but things could have been better. It was my fault though.. Well and Panera Bread for fuckin my food up. I didn't have to get choked but it was my fault. And it was over something stupid that I tried to hide that I really didn't have to. I'm sorry it happened. I'm sorry for a lot of things. But instead of wallowing in sadness, I cover it up with anger, carelessness, aggressiveness, and hostility. And as usual, I push away the people that care about me most. I don't know why.. Maybe cuz everyone has their own problems. Maybe I am doing it as a form of self punishment, makin other people mad at me and forcing them away, which will leave me alone to continue to feel sorry for myself. I don't feel like myself. I mean I know people evolve as they get older... Things change. But I just feel like I am not me. Kinda like waking up and looking in the mirror and seeing your own reflection. I feel like I'm a stranger to myself. I won't lie. Master keeps me going. He has unrelentingly stuck by my side through thick and thin but sometimes, especially this past year it seem that I just keep fuckin shIt up. Sometimes I wanna just say fuck it and tell him to go because He really is a good Man and he deserves someone that can give him the world. I just feel like I don't have anything to offer anymore, like I'm not good enough. I am feeling to many emotions I don't know how to focus. I can't focus anymore. Master I doing his best to keep me on the right track.. But .. I don't even try anymore. I think I'm in the late stages of giving up on myself. I don't know what to do. I feel so stupid. I know Master is here to help whenever I need him. I just feel like I deserve to just..let my sorrows consume me and.. Hope for the best, if anything good can ever come out of that..

**sigh**..

How bout a game of Russian Roulette...??